I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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