So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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