Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
