It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize