You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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