Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I have aggressive nipples.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
