my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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