sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
