For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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