how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
