i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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