I hope mine doesn't look like that
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
