The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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