I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
