dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
