Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
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