now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
