boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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