Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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