I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
