thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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