it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
