hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
