So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
