Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
