if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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