I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
