they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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