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Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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