oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
