More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
