I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize