how can u be prego again
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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