he wants to bone in the snuggie
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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