so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
