Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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