I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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