I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
