I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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