Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
