I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
