that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Randomize
