im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
