Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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