They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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