If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
