please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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