I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
