great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize