I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Randomize
