Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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