I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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