if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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