i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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