omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
only you would photoshop your dick
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
