mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You can't just leave with hair like that
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
