dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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