sarcasm needs its own font
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
