I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
