dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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