just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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