Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
