Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
