I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
