Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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