My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
