Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize