Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
