I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Randomize
